4. Enlarging Your Heart

Psalm 119:31–32

I cling to Your testimonies;
O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I will run the course of Your commandments,
For You shall enlarge my heart.

This passage has blessed me many times because it describes the solution to a problem I have faced over and over and am certain I will face again. There is a certain feeling—a tightness in the chest—that often accompanies one of those big leveling-up moments. You think you can’t do it. You think you shouldn’t have to. You feel deep in yourself that this situation is asking more of you than it is possible for you to give. I caaaaaan’t doooooo ittt. That is the feeling. You feel like you could cry or throw up or both, and your idea of a solution is to go to bed and not get up.

Sometimes that sort of feeling might be because you have some sin onboard and you really need to confess it and repent and get right with the Lord. But other times you know that what you are trying to do is right and good and honors the Lord but it feels (really feels) as though your faithfulness is being rewarded with a punishment. Why does it have to feel so hard and wrong sometimes?

Here’s why this passage has been such a comfort to me. The psalmist is specifically talking about needing to be made into a bigger, more capable version of himself. Not because he isn’t doing the right things but rather because he is. He is running after the Lord’s commandments and he is, to put it in frank terms, sucking wind. This is hurting and by all human calculations he would like to stop. Yet he doesn’t. Because he has confidence that if the Lord set the race before Him, the Lord will finish it. The Lord won’t finish it by telling him to sit it out and don’t worry about it because it was a bad idea anyways, but rather by making him much stronger and much more capable. 

Secretariat (the horse who became a legend for his speed and endurance) had a heart that was almost triple the average thoroughbred size. He had a massive engine that was able to power him.

Is it possible that when you look at the good work before you, you feel like you have an insufficient engine? Good news. You are in the company of every faithful believer ever. And good news again: the Lord enlarges our hearts. Every saint that has gone before you has had to walk by faith into what feels impossible. And every saint that is coming behind you will also feel this sting when they are up against their own limitations. The Lord does this again and again. He does it while you run towards Him, but feel like you might be losing the race badly. He does it while you sleep in faith and while you wake up in joy to face your impossible tasks again. The Lord is capable, and when He calls us to work He is making us capable too. 

The world around you is not functioning with this assumption; that the Lord is capable of upgrading your engine as you go. Everyone will want to downgrade your work and your scope and your desires in order to make your heart fit for the task. Do not fall for the temptation of littleing your life in order to fit your current endurance. Trust the Lord that if you are running after His commands, He will supply the heart you need.

One time (and I can’t remember at all what the situation was that was causing this feeling but I know I was in the grip of it), I was describing the problem to my husband. I think I even said it feels like I have a tight rubber band in my chest—and my husband said “Don’t worry, that is just the Lord enlarging your heart.” And it was. 

It’s been years now since then, and so now I feel like I have a long testimony to the fact that the Lord really does meet you there and really does change your heart to fit the job. But you need to keep running, keep offering your work to Him. You really can almost rest easy in that feeling, knowing that He is the one doing the work in you, making you fit for the work for Him. 

When everything in your flesh wants to say “I can’t” and “No more,” you need to actively believe that God is making you new in this. He is. Let go of the anxiety about it and the fear. To resist this is to resist tremendous growth opportunities and blessings. Instead, lean into the Lord and say “You can” and “Yes, Lord.” 

Heavenly Father, I ask that this week You will give us all the tasks that are beyond us, the faith to run willingly toward You anyways, and afterwards the testimony of Your faithfulness to provide. We know that You are changing us into who we were always meant to be and we ask that You give us big-hearted courage and trust in You. We ask that You make us strong for the tasks before us and confident in Your strength. 
In Your Son’s mighty name, amen.

Rachel Jankovic